Buffet
| Ayyo hol up, I'm a taco with a stop sign. |  |
This article isn't done yet, the author is too busy shoveling food down to finish it. Don't worry though, it will eventually get done. |
In America, there are several buffets. Places like Golden Coral, Shoney's, Cici's Pizza, and Sizzler are all arenas where bloated American butterballs do battle daily. This article aims to give the average blubbo chunker a strategy when entering combat. As with much in life, there is a smart way and a retarded way to visit a buffet.
As a fat ass American swine with extensive knowledge of the subject, I can instruct the average normie in the correct way to approach, enter, and ultimately conquer an All You Can Eat buffet.
The Business
First off, you must realize that "all you can eat" is not a suggestion, it is a challenge. Adjust your philosophy about these sorts of restaurants accordingly.
There isn't any trickery going on here. The companies behind buffets know why you are going to them. You are there to stuff your face. It is their hope that you will eat the cheaper food and stay away from the prime rib carving station or the robster craws. They want to maximize their profit by directing you to cheaper foods and drinks.
As Americans get fatter and fatter, this business model grows slowly more and more unsound. A fatter diner will be able to shove more vittles into their gob, costing the buffet more and more money. It is because of this that the traditional all you can eat buffet is an endangered species. A typical case of putting yourself out of business.[1]
The Cold Hard Math
If a buffet costs 20 bucks per person, you must eat at the very least 20 bucks worth of food. Eating cheap foods does not help you. Since buffet companies think you are a normie who wants a basic meal, they think you want a protein, a starch, and a vegetable on the side. But you aren't like that are you? You're a quivering slab of fat in a pair of skinny jeans who isn't normal at all. It is in your best interest to keep away from the starches and the vegetables and gobble down as much meat as you can. It's cost-effective that way.
Preparation
If you are younger than 30 years old, disregard this advice. Your metabolism is quick enough to handle whatever you shove down your throat and burn it up quickly. There are stories of high school baseball teams that have put buffets out of business in a single night.
If you happen to be older and normal, you must not eat for at least 10 hours before entering the buffet. It is crucial to do this because as an older person, it feels like a total rip off if you go into a buffet and only eat one or two plates.
Strategy
Eat until they kick you out, or have to make new rules based on how you behaved at the buffet last time you were there.[2] 
The first plate should be a "recon plate." Visit every portion of the buffet bar, take only small portions of food while observing what foods are being changed out quickly and what foods seem to have been in their pans for a while. Also, watch what other diners are doing.
Are they hovering around the roasted chicken? Probably better investigate that. Is there a huge pan of buttered shrimp that has a rind of hardened grease on the top? Avoid that one. Continue your scrutinization until you have a good grasp of how the buffet ebbs and flows during your visit. Yes, they can change from day to day.
The second plate should be a plate of total decadence. Using the knowledge of your previous visit, grab portions of steaks, chicken, seafood, and barbecue. Hitting the prime rib carving station is of particular interest. Make sure the guy cutting the meat doesn't cheap out on you either, you want a good hunk of steak.
Subsequent plates can be more decadence, but can also be "cool down" plates used to readjust your debauchery. Were the steamed clams good? Get more of those. Was the smoked turkey dry? Better add extra gravy...
It is also suggested that the diner wears "comfy pants" to avoid bunching, pinching, or other problems that may occur once you have finished your pile of slop.
Etiquette
No, this portion of the article isn't about table manners, it concerns something far more sinister. If you have an elderly family member or friend, bring them along. This sort of thing makes it appear as if you are a generous and charitable person, but that is just a sham. Walking around a buffet with an old lady who uses a walker clears out the people that tend to hover around the food you want to get.
Shouting phrases like: "Oh, doesn't this roast beef look really good, granny?" are a good way to remove unwanted food gawkers.
If you have access to a walker or a wheelchair, bring it along whether you need it or not. You will be seated at a table that is closer to the food and probably larger to accommodate the large hardware that gramps has with him.
Studies have found[3] that eating with large groups tends to increase your intake. This means it's perfectly fine to gather a whole busload of family and take them to the buffet.
Timing
In a buffet, timing is everything. If you enter a buffet when they are changing the lunch menu to the dinner menu, you stand a chance of paying less if you get the lunch rate.
Another thing to consider as far as timing is concerned is to pay attention to how food is brought out to the buffet bar itself. Try to time your eating to coincide with how they bring new food out from the kitchen. A clean plate when they bring out the new steamed pan of fruit-de-mer should not be left up to luck, it should be planned.
Know your enemies and try to be one step ahead of them at all times. If you time it right, those crab legs will walk right onto your plate.
Foods To Totally Ignore
So you are at an upscale buffet. The ones with crab legs, those cheap lobster tails, sushi, and a Mongolian Barbecue. You probably spent around seventy-five bucks to get in there, so you need to know what foods to ignore because either they will fill you up too quickly, or you can get at home.
Seriously, why go to a restaurant at all if you can get the same shit at home?
Soda
The waiters always hover around the diners with pitchers of root beer, cola, and other fizzy drinks. Wonder why? They fill you up. Also, the calories in sodas are "empty calories" that do nothing good for you.
Pasta, Nuts, and Rice
It saddens me to mention pasta and telling you to avoid it at a buffet. I happen to like pasta and any number of sauces to go along with it. Truthfully, if you enter the arena of a buffet, you have to act like a Keto warrior. Totally ignore any high carb foods.
Some buffets have a large assortment of nuts on the salad bar. Walnuts, Pecans, and Macadamia nuts are yummy and pair well with a salad, but for our purposes, they take up too much valuable stomach space. Additionally, some nuts are salted, making a diner thirsty. This ends up in the diner drinking more soda.
On the Sushi bar, there are probably about 15 different types of rolls. All of them use Sushi rice and should be avoided. Yes, Sushi is delicious and fun to eat, but remember, we are being strategic here. Try to stick your dining to Sashimi, if they have it. Another good choice is to utilize the hibachi grill, but no noodles or rice.
Breads
Every buffet I have ever been in has had a whole section of the bar dedicated to bread. Rolls, slices, buns, and garlic bread, all stacked on pretty serving plates are there to tempt you. Much like the previous section, these foods are high carb foods and should be given a wide berth.
You can get all of that stuff at home as well, including the garlic bread. Why waste your money on these things. You are at the buffet to make yourself into an absolute slob of decadence, and that means foods that are far more rich and lavish than a mere crust of bread.
Salads
Salads can be healthy and they can taste good. Probably half of the buffet's space is dedicated to salads. Stay away. You didn't come to the buffet to eat leaves and twigs. If you did, you are an idiot. A 3 dollar bag of lettuce could have satisfied your itch for a salad.
Fruit
Same goes with fruit. Why are you at a buffet when you probably have a bunch of bananas at home. Also, those bananas covered in red slime you find at Asian buffets are probably poison.
If there is any time where a person should eat fruit at a buffet, I would think it was at the end of the meal as a dessert. Items like citrus and melons are particularly cleansing, light, and fresh tasting.
Foods That Are Already In Your Home
Below, you will find a list of foods, not previously mentioned, that you probably have in your house and should avoid when visiting a buffet. Remember, you are trying to maximize your gluttony, not their profits.
- breaded fried food.[4]
- cold boiled shrimp that still has the shell on.
- naan bread, pita, and everything else mentioned in the bread section above.
- corn, be it on the cob or in a steamer tray.[5]
- soups, unless at the very end of the meal.[6][7]
- desserts in any form, especially that shitty ice cream you get at Asian buffets.
- pizza unless you are at a pizza buffet.[8]
Foods To Eat
Think about it. You didn't spend 75 bucks to eat the same stuff you can find at home.
External Links
This article may sound like a re-hash of the below web pages, but I have to say that my knowledge of "buffet strategy" came from my father and my grandfather. This leads me to believe that it is "a thing" that is quite well known, but not often talked about unless you are on the doorstep of an all you can eat buffet.
References
- ↑ https://bestlifeonline.com/news-golden-corral-platinum-corral-closing/
- ↑ https://www.foodbeast.com/news/22-people-on-the-best-way-to-game-the-all-you-can-eat-buffet/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16757007/
- ↑ That catfish was totally abused when they fried it into something resembling a pork rind.
- ↑ If you choose to eat corn from a buffet, chew it completely into a pulp or risk corn in your poop.
- ↑ Unless the buffet you go to has a wide variety of really good soups that they are known for.
- ↑ Also, if they have a great lobster bisque or clam chowder, disregard this rule.
- ↑ Pizza is just bread with some toppings. If you are at a pizza buffet, keep to the "all cheese" or cracker crust pizzas.
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