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Big Brussel Sprouts

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Oh yeah, these things look totally normal...

Much like Big Pharma, Big Steel, Big Agriculture, and Big Tobacco, Big Brussels Sprouts is a business conglomerate dedicated to selling and increasing the sales footprint of Brussels Sprouts. Usually, this dedication is performed through heinous and degenerate practices.

Methods

Note that they have gonad-like veins.

There are several tactics this nefarious group will use to force the average consumer to purchase these nasty olive colored (and shaped) tumors of nature:

  • Astroturf advertisement campaigns disguised in such a way as to increase "health benefits." Some even going so far as to say Brussels Sprouts are a "super food."
  • Annoying email chains and group SMS messaging designed to irritate the receiver into submission.
  • Social media psyop schemes usually performed on internet forums, comment systems, and other platforms.
  • Brusselsware (Malware) that installs itself through vulnerable browsers.
  • Search engine algorithms which direct all search results towards small green objects that resemble testicles.
  • And the worst tactic: RECIPES

Recipes

Brussels2.jpeg

Chances are, you have had a side dish of Brussels Sprouts where the cook has boiled them, smothered them in butter, and then served them to you. Nobody likes this. The vile taste of Brussels Sprouts cannot be boiled out and no amount of butter will thin out the acrid, offensive flavor of these sickening orbs. Some cooks have decided to "up the game" when masking the flavor of these caustic vegetables. This is done mostly by making a syrup of some sort.

Every single Brussels Sprouts recipe on the internet that doesn't involve steaming or boiling them is a clone of the old "broil them and then cover them in a sugary syrup." Sure, if you cover a pile of dog shit with maple syrup, it is going to taste marginally better than plain dog shit. But you are still dealing with Brussels Sprouts, so you are taking your life into your own hands.

Example Recipe

Glaze is made from something sweet and sugary.
  • 1 1/2 lbs. Brussels sprouts
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • ¼ tsp. ground black pepper
  • 1/2 cup maple syrup

Cut the Brussels sprouts in half. Dump the olive oil on them. Dump the salt and pepper on them. Put the whole mess on a sheet pan and broil for 10 minutes per side. You are attempting to burn the nastiness out of them with the cleansing fire of God, but results may vary.

Once these nasty lumps are broiled, dump the maple syrup on them and mix thoroughly. They will still taste like a cancerous turd. Bon Appétit

Further Study

As noted above, covering food with sugary syrup only makes that food sickeningly sweet. This does not stop today's cooks and chefs. Online, you can find thousands of variations of glaze and all of them are designed with one thing in mind: cover up the nauseating flavor of these grassy cysts. Some variations include:

  • Sherry vinegar mixed with caramel drizzel.
  • Aged balsamic vinegar and sweet port wine.
  • Caramelized onions and bacon

What all this goes to show you is that there is nothing you can do to make these things taste good.

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mmmmm, Big Brussel Sprouts is a part of a series on Food

Baked Eggs | Clam Dip | A 75 Dollar Meal In Japan | Chef Jean Pierre | Breakfast | You Must Eat All The Eggs | Spider Goulash | Watermelon | Moleasses | Fresh Salsa | Cigarettes | Lunch | Homemade BBQ Sauce | Ramen | Brunch | Smokes | Dinner | Supper | Afternoon Tea | Doritos Ingredients | Late Night Snack | So Hi | 9 Pounds Of Onions | Hot Sauce | Microwave Oven | Blue Moon | Tomato Soup | The Destruction Of Food Processing Facilities | Rejected Mountain Dew Flavors | Self Serving Skillet | RC Cola | Poppers | Cheese Spread | Sushi | The Scoville UNIT | Burger | Brussels Sprouts | Justin Wilson | Pesto | The Waffle House Index | Pickled Garlic | The Tennis Racket | WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER | The War On Eggs | Cereals That Are Gone | Ketchup On A Hot Dog | Stainless Steel And Garlic | Red Bull Inn | Mustard | La Choy | KFC Firelog | Domicopter | Chili Crisp | Zah | Adobo Chuck Roast | The Old Pick Nose And Eat It Switcheroo | Resiniferatoxin | La Fin du Monde | Coffee | Frank's Red Hot© | Omelette Man | Vegan | Chinese Restaurant Syndrome | Chili | Cheeses | Sausages | Chicken And Noodles | GWEET | Superman Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Spread | Big Brussel Sprouts | Prime Rib | Chowder | When I Feel Bad | Trout | Maytag Blue Cheese