Sushi

Call it "cat food" or call it "fish bait," Sushi is a food that I, and a lot of other people happen to like. Because Sushi has been around for a very long time, there are a bunch of rules and regulations as to how you are allowed to eat it. If you don't follow these rules in a Sushi restaurant, you risk offending the Sushi chef, who will then attack you with a samurai sword.

Video

This video isn't really related to this article, but I found it funny, so deal with it. It's an old school, yet hilarious video on sushi etiquette.

There are tons of reaction videos on it out there on the internet too, but none of them touch on the evil look the "wife" gives her husband after she is forced to pour him a beer. Seriously, for one second, you can see stabby-stabby murder in her eyes.

The Rules

Following the rules will keep this guy from blowing up.

Normally, I don't like to be told how to do things, especially eating. But I'm not a goddamned animal either. I realize that there are such things as etiquette and table manners and attempt to adhere to such things as the situation requires. I am not going to come to your house and shove my hands into your pot of mashed potatoes just because I feel like it.

The rules about sushi can be stupid, but some of them happen to be quite helpful when eating the dish. Also, there is supposed to be some sort of order of operations when consuming sushi. Japanese eaters seem to be concerned with their body temperature, and think that sushi will lower it. For this reason, they provide "refreshments" along with the sushi. These refreshments include: pickled ginger, scrambled eggs, and soup.

Eating With Fingers

It's Japanese fast food, of course it is okay to eat with your hands. For some reason, the official ruling on eating with your hands is that you are only allowed to eat it with 3 fingers. Don't ask why, it's just that way.

As for chopsticks, I have never even tried to eat sushi with them. A recent discussion with a group of my buddies concluded that chopsticks are outdated. Once the fork was invented, chopsticks should have been discarded.

Putting Soy Sauce On Sushi

If you use this stuff, you better not fuck it up.

It is perfectly fine to put soy sauce on sushi, but like tons of other foods, you are not doing it right unless you follow the rules.

Dipping the rice portion of sushi into the soy sauce is the incorrect way of eating sushi and may result in a bunch of Japanese people laughing at you and thinking that you are a fucking pig. Why? Because you cannot exactly control the amount of soy sauce that gets on the piece of sushi. You are always going to get way too much of the stuff on it, angering everybody around you.

The correct way of putting soy sauce on a hunk of sushi is to dip it sideways so that the fish on top gets the sauce. BUT DON'T USE TOO MUCH! Because that will anger everybody too.

If you want to put soy sauce on your rolled sushi, you should use that gross pile of pickled ginger shavings as a brush to put the soy sauce on the bite. Unless you are me. I throw that stuff away as soon as I open the little plastic box the sushi comes in.

Cutting Sushi

Cutting or breaking up sushi into smaller pieces is just about the worst thing you can ever do. Sushi is made to be eaten all at once in one bite so that the diner can enjoy the full experience.

But this also is discriminatory towards people with small mouths. A cruel sushi chef will intentionally make his portions extra large and then laugh at the small mouthed person attempting to eat the oversized sushi.

Timing

Once a sushi chef puts a portion in front of you, you must eat it exactly at that moment. Taking pictures of the food, talking to your friends, and pouring another drink are not acceptable. Failure to eat sushi at the exact time it is made will result in a reduction of flavor, a degradation of the composition. Sushi is artwork, after all, and needs to be given the respect it deserves.

Refreshments

This shit is so vile.

"Refreshments" for sushi may include that vile pickled ginger, cubes of scrambled eggs, and hot soup. The ginger is used to cleanse the palate between bites of sushi and the eggs are used in a similar fashion. The soup comes at the end of the meal.

Evidently, sushi restaurants each have their own recipe of soup that they serve. One can have a chicken based soup with some sort of garbage in it, while another restaurant may have a seafood based soup with similar junk tossed in. Supposedly, this hot soup is meant to raise the diner's body temperature because eating about a quarter ounce of raw fish lowers the body temperature. (?)

Beer

Homicidal.

Beer is the traditional beverage to consume while eating sushi. I have to agree. The crispness of a nice cold beer goes quite well with the fresh taste that sushi has. However, just like everything that involves sushi, they manage to fuck that up too.

The major fuck up here isn't the brand, type, or cost of the beer involved. It is how the beer is poured. You see, if you are a boss or a man, your subordinate must pour the beer for you. Doing anything else risks dishonor and shame. As much as I would like to have my wife pour beers for me all night long, I know that when I get home, the cold shoulder will be shown for at least a day.

Other Ethnicities

First off, I have just discovered that the spell checker for the media wiki software thinks that "ethnicities" is a misspelled word. Either that, or it isn't a word the software coders think is nice. But I digress...

The worst people in the world are Europeans and Americans that are sushi snobs. While investigating sushi snobs, I found that most of them live in the Pacific Northwestern portion of the United States. Gee, I never thought that would happen.

A Word About Store-Bought Sushi

I would have to agree that most sushi that is pre-made is going to be shitty garbage for the most part, but the majority of people in this world do not live in Japan or in some hoity toity part of town where you can visit an authentic sushi shop.

That being said, and it must be reiterated: SUSHI IS FAST FOOD. The average slob who wants some sushi is going to be buying it at a grocery store. Usually, there is an actual sushi chef on site that makes sushi early in the morning, puts it in plastic containers (with that fake plastic grass), and then sets it out in a cooler for shoppers to buy. More seedy grocery companies will have their sushi made off site and shipped in on ice. While these options are not the optimal way to purchase and consume sushi, normal everyday slugs can partake in sushi and feel a bit better about themselves as they probably won't get sick.

Gas station sushi is not to be consumed at all, ever.

Summation

I am sure there are a ton more entanglements that sushi eaters must pay attention to, but at this time, I only added what I know from my own experience.

The food is good, but since it was originally street food, and fast food at that, does it really need all of the ceremony and directives? Probably not, but at the same time, who wants to enrage a well armed sushi chef in his own restaurant?

References

mmmmm, Sushi is a part of a series on Food

Baked Eggs | Clam Dip | A 75 Dollar Meal In Japan | Chef Jean Pierre | Breakfast | You Must Eat All The Eggs | Spider Goulash | Watermelon | Moleasses | Fresh Salsa | Cigarettes | Lunch | Homemade BBQ Sauce | Ramen | Brunch | Smokes | Dinner | Supper | Afternoon Tea | Doritos Ingredients | Late Night Snack | So Hi | 9 Pounds Of Onions | Hot Sauce | Microwave Oven | Blue Moon | Tomato Soup | The Destruction Of Food Processing Facilities | Rejected Mountain Dew Flavors | Self Serving Skillet | RC Cola | Poppers | Cheese Spread | Sushi | The Scoville UNIT | Burger | Brussels Sprouts | Justin Wilson | Pesto | The Waffle House Index | Pickled Garlic | The Tennis Racket | WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER | The War On Eggs | Cereals That Are Gone | Ketchup On A Hot Dog | Stainless Steel And Garlic | Red Bull Inn | Mustard | La Choy | KFC Firelog | Domicopter | Chili Crisp | Zah | Adobo Chuck Roast | The Old Pick Nose And Eat It Switcheroo | Resiniferatoxin | La Fin du Monde | Coffee | Frank's Red Hot© | Omelette Man | Vegan | Chinese Restaurant Syndrome | Chili | Cheeses | Sausages | Chicken And Noodles | GWEET | Superman Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Spread | Big Brussel Sprouts | Prime Rib | Chowder | When I Feel Bad | Trout | Maytag Blue Cheese