[ [ [ bloggin space w i k i ] ] ]John The Maintenance Guy
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This is the story of John The Maintenance Guy. There are millions of stories like it because there are millions of drug addicts who have been fucked up by their own poor choices and by listening to their fucked up doctors and government.
The Setup
So you hire a guy. He looks like a promising worker, and he has passed his background check. He shows up early on his first day of work because he is not only excited about his new job, he is also happy with his hourly wage and the chance to learn a new trade. Turns out, this excitement is due to a heavy cocktail of drugs. Some of them prescription, some of them bought on a street corner in the dark side of town.
Then, on his third day of work, after thinking he is comfortable with you, he sends you this picture in a text message:
And that picture is followed up by a brief voicemail message that sounds like this:
The Excuses
Immediately after the photo and voicemail message, a frantic phone call was made by John. John was worried that he was going to be fired for such tomfoolery.
That is an old picture that I meant to send to my wife, don't look at it! - John the maintenance guy 
The Termination
Bossman, please don't fire me, this is the best job I ever had. - John the maintenance guy right after he tried to use company funds to get a snacky snack.
All of the bullshit that John the maintenance guy was a part of did not lead to his termination. What led to his termination was the fact that he stole from Menard's while he was there to buy construction materials. What did he steal?
- a bottle of POP
- a bag of CHIPS
And even that was not enough for John the maintenance guy to be fired. Once he was confronted by Menard's security, he tried to lie his way out of his theft. Additionally, he tried to use company funds to pay for his ill-gotten snacks. This was his downfall.
Other employees attempted to pay for his stolen items, but he continued to argue with Menard's security. Eventually, he was just told to go home, enjoy his bottle of Fruitopia and his bag of Sun-Chips, and never show up to work again because he was fired.
The Notice
A few months later, John the maintenance guy was served with an eviction notice. Seems that after he was terminated, he just couldn't find a job. Working as a maintenance guy in a trailer park is the end of the line for most pill poppers, and thus he was served:
The Marshall Tucker Band Debacle
A few years ago, John and a buddy of his had the chance to go see a Marshall Tucker Band[1] concert. To prepare themselves for this epic show, they parked the pickup truck in the gravel parking lot and then consumed a six pack of Stroh's Tallboy beers,[2] a joint, and a quart of cheap vodka. The drinking and smoking continued inside the concert hall and John became blackout drunk.
The venue was small and tight. Because of this, the band could clearly hear members of the audience talking and the audience could clearly hear the band members. At some point, Doug Gray, singer for the Marshall Tucker band asked the audience if they wanted to hear any particular song from their catalog.
Amie![3] yelled John. Upon hearing this, Doug laughed because this was an obvious mistake. However, John persisted, yelling Amie!!! Amie!!! Amie!!! Amie!!! over and over again, becoming more angry and annoying the audience and the band at the same time. Finally, Doug got tired of John's rantings.
That's Pure Prairie League,[4] you dumb fucker. Get this guy the hell outta here
References
* I used toilet paper image because I couldn't find a good graphic for "human garbage"
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