Certified Plummer

Water leaks happen all the time and in this day and age, water can be expensive. Thus, it is most important to take care of a home water leak as soon as it is discovered to avoid large municipal water bills.

If you have any experience in home inspections, property management, or plumbing, you may have heard a home owner or resident try to use the excuse that the discovered leak could not possibly be their fault as they had a Certified Plummer look at their pipes and tell them everything was okay.

The term Certified Plummer refers to a cousin, brother-in-law, neighbor, or other odd relation of the home owner who knows how to twist a pipe wrench. Certified plummers have no certification, it is just a buzzword used to stress that the home owner is totally not lying and has paid good money ^{[ Citation Needed ]} to have their pipes checked. Additionally, Certified plummers never find any leaks and will always side with the resident.

Being in the property management business, I get to hear about Certified Plummers all the time, and here are some of their stories...

Story One - The Radio

Some toilets have a button on top for flushing.

Monthly water reads were done on a property and a home was found to have used a significantly larger amount of water than usual. This resulted in a water bill that was over $400.00. The home owner was immediately contacted to alert them of the size of the bill and that the home may have a leak. They were also told to have their toilets and the pipes under the home visually inspected as that is the quickest and easiest way to spot a leak.

A few days later, the home owner contacted the office and told the office manager that a Certified Plummer had been on site and that no leaks were found. It had to be the property management companies fault due to a broken water meter. What the home owner did not understand is the fact that if a water meter breaks, it never spins faster or adds more usage to the water bill. It will only stop completely.

Maintenance workers visually inspected both the house and the meter and discovered no evidence of a leak. However, the water usage indicator on the meter was moving and this meant that water was being lost within the house at some place. Usually, this means that the toilet is leaking.

"That can't be, both of those toilets are brand new!" said the resident.

At this point, maintenance found the sewage pipe from the house and noticed that water was flowing in it. It was removed from the sewage main and a good stream of clear water was flowing out of the house into the sewage system. The home owner was told to turn off the toilet in the front bathroom. This was done, but the water continued to stream out of the house. This narrowed the problem down to the back bathroom's toilet. Once that toilet was turned off, water flow from the house stopped.

The resident asked maintenance to inspect the toilet to see what the problem was. As soon as the bathroom was entered, the problem became very apparent: It was a top push button flushing toilet, and the child that lived in the home had a radio sitting on the flush button just enough to open the toilet's flapper, causing water to flow out of the house.

A radio, sitting innocently on the flush button of a toilet caused 400 dollars of water usage in one month.

Story Two - Faulty Furnco

Actual picture of the final repair.

A family had purchased a mobile home that was known as a "fixer upper." This home was discounted due to the fact that it would need repairs to several parts of the place. One of the major issues was that the sewage line was not correctly installed and would need to have an angle put into it to allow the flow of water out of the home at the proper rate. A real plumber would know this, but a Certified Plummer doesn't care about such nonsense.

Six weeks after the family moved into the home, a terrible stench began to fill the place. They couldn't figure out why, so they called the office. Upon inspection, the maintenance crew explained to the home owner that the sewage line was incorrectly installed.

"But that can't be!" They cried. "We had a Certified Plummer out here to look at the pipes! We spent 250 bucks to have that line repaired!"

Nonetheless, the line was snaked out, free of charge, by the maintenance crew. Because of the massive pool of sewage under the home, none of them offered to do any further repairs as it was not part of their job description. They did explain the steps it would take to eliminate the pipe problem forever and to alleviate the offending odor.

Again, they called their Certified Plummer, who came out and discovered a problem with the house's "drop." A "drop" is the sewage fixture that leads to the public sewage system. While that fixture did need repair, it was working, and was a minor issue that any person could fix in 10 minutes. The problem happened when the Certified Plummer was a bit too rough while working on the pipes and accidentally broke a fitting further up the line, allowing sewage to again spill on the ground. This time, the Certified Plummer wasn't so expensive. He only charged 150 bucks to screw on a "Furnco boot fitting." A job that took three minutes with a part that cost less than ten dollars.

Another couple of weeks go by and the odor of sewage again creeps into the home. The Certified Plummer is again called. His excuse: The Furnco was faulty. This time, he said, I'll glue the fittings! Still not addressing the angle of the pipe, or the break he caused while fixing the "drop."

Finally, after about 600 dollars worth of Certified Plummer work, the job was fixed by a 17 year old boy who crawled under and re-attached the pipe that had been laying on the ground. He also braved the disgusting smell, hoards of flies, and threw lime powder down, to destroy the sewage that was all over the place. All of that, for 20 bucks. Call him a sucker if you want, but he actually fixed the problem.

Summation

• Certified Plummers are used as a excuse to avoid paying high water bills.
• Certified Plummers, despite being distant relations, and trusted, usually charge ridiculously large prices to fix something simple.
• Certified Plummers always have to come back out and fix their own repairs at least 2 more times.
• It is never the Certified Plummer's fault.

References

Certified Plummer is a part of a series on People*
* I used toilet paper image because I couldn't find a good graphic for "human garbage"

• Elon Musk • Charles Bukowski • Darwin The Wrestler • BallSac • Gary The Tow Truck Driver • Ron Perlman • Mark Zuckerberg • NPC • Salman Rushdie • Jeff's Sex Doll • Dan • Donics • Thomas Paine • Jim Rome • Gummi • Columbine Anon • Johnny Depp • Wikipedia Editor • Andre • StoneToss • Bloggin.space • DEAFTONEGOES • Shawn's Shed • Kirk Hammett • Sergei Boobtitsky • Certified Plummer • Mr. Mitchell • Grillo • Cliff Is Back • Albert Bourla • Chuck Berry's Breakfast • Justin Wilson • The Vegan Teacher • Steven Crowder • Weishaupt • John The Maintenance Guy • Ye • Pupienus • You • Blanche Dumas • Zoomers • Joe Buck • NEET • Trump • The Legend Of Jeff • Bam Margera • Faye Reagan • Vivek • JFK • Suggs Diggs • Uncle Roger • Matt Petgrave • Robert Earl Hughes • Tom Bosley • Ian Murdock • Penis Man • Warwick Davis • OJ • Taylor LaVey •