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Around the House

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It doesn’t matter if you have a DVR or are streaming, if somebody steps in front of the television or begins talking over the show you are watching, you will still yell at them even though you have a pause button.

You can never fully clean the crud off a can opener’s blade.

Stud-finders and picture-leveling lasers only work when you are showing them to your friends; they never work when you are actually hanging a picture.

No matter how many bills, rental payments, college tuition and car payments you make on behalf of your offspring, you are still not allowed to make the rules in your own house.

If you have an important meeting (court appearance, oncologist’s appointment, a tax assessor is swinging by your house…etc) you are also expected to host that week’s cub scout/girl scout meeting.

No matter how much beer you have in your refrigerator when you leave the house, the total number of them will be greatly reduced when you return. Even if you live alone.

When the cable guy gives you a window of time for his arrival, he will always arrive within five minutes of the start time or the end time. It appears that “time windows” have “time windows.”

The stranger or more sinister looking a cable person is, the longer he will stay. In addition, the more moronic he or she is, the longer he or she will want to stay and “chat.”

High beams are weapons.

The more expensive the rent, the longer it takes to get something fixed around the apartment.

The temperature of a child’s fever is directly proportional to how long it has been since you were last intimate with your husband or wife. Or how much sleep you have had.

Big Mouth Billy Bass is actually art; do not remove it from my den wall.

When your child is first learning to drive, he or she will go twenty miles an hour in a thirty-five mile per hour zone AND he or she will drive sixty miles an hour in a twenty-five mile per hour zone.

If you lend out motorized tools or vehicles, your “friend” will not top up the gas.

Everybody knows that the more you need to use the bathroom, the longer your spouse or friend will be in there. However, it is also a fact that the more you need to get in there, the more it will be “skunked out” by whomever was in there prior to you.

The age of your neighbor who is cutting his lawn can be determined by the color of his socks. That is an old one, but did you also know that you can determine what he is listening to on his headphones by his shoes? If he is wearing mandles…the music is pre-1990. Flip flops? That’s pre 1980.

If you out to get a flu shot, when you get home the news will report a new strain of the flu virus that your shot does not cover.

People who use the term “pet peeve” are annoying.

My mother used to tell me that she was infuriated by people who brake first, then put on the turn signal. I never understood this; in my experience, people don’t use turn signals at all!

The more you like a song, the more somebody feels the need to hum, sing, or tap along to it. Or to talk over it.

Fleas know that you have guests coming over.

The more a person loves their pet, the more they are willing to overlook said pet’s little idiosyncrasies.

The seal on the top of food containers and medicine bottles is made out of carbon fiber. There is no known way to tear one open, unless you drop it on your toe.

Around the House is a part of a series on Old Stuff

Dan's Devil's Dictionary | Charles Bukowski | Bookz | New York Yankees | G/tv | Kyleville | Ellen's Hickey | Generic Article | A User's Guide to Article Building | Introduction to English | Salman Rushdie | Rainmeter | Sex Panther | A Pocketknife | Thomas Paine | Wook | Three Or Four Weeks | Internet Relevance | Jim Rome | DMV | Public Library | The Copperhead | Monopoly | Around the House | Marcus P. Kellum’s Personal Journal | Solitaire | Internet Explorer | Billy Ripken | Ka-chunk | Clacka-Clacka | Mickey Mantle | Terry Tate Office Linebacker | Berry | 1guy1jar | Babcock Dairy Farm | Goatse.cx | Old Hoss Radbourn | Rufus Owned A Steam Engine | Blanche Dumas | Thundarr The Barbarian | Superfriends | That Time Is Now | Hong Kong Phooey | Fractured Fairy Tales | Little Twelvetoes | Mullet Girl | Hanker For A Hunk O' Cheese | The Chopper | Yuck Mouth | The Angle Of The Dangle | Michelob | Bulova Computron | Vinko Bogataj | Lower Case, Upper Case, and Shift | Speaking in Texican: A Primer