Kyleville

Kyleville, Ohio is a wonderland of tall tales, funny anecdotes, and a heaping helping of traditional wisdom. The stories may be told and re-told over time, but they never lose their charm or their poignancy. All you need to do is shut up and listen. It's plain and simple. You might find out some really funny stuff if you manage to follow those rules. If not, you can always pull up a stool at the Junction Pub and yak with all the regulars...if you don't mind hearing a lot of old fishing stories.

History

Built in 1885, The Kyleville grain elevator as it stands in 1964

Kyleville, Ohio is a small bump on the interstate between Hersh, Ohio and Union City. Originally settled around 1820, Kyleville had brief fame in the 1950's as a small honky-tonk Mecca of sorts because of the construction of the Starlight dance hall and roller rink. The Starlight had many famous performer's pictures on its walls but unfortunately it went out of business in 1974 after several years of low sales numbers. In 1982, the building was purchased by ACI Holdings Company, Inc. and the building was torn down. Currently, it is rumored (by the Junction Pub regulars) that the empty lot will soon be home to a brand new Walmart.

The main strip of Kyleville, located on Middleton Avenue (also home to Buck Shore's Electronics) is known as the "Bank Block" because the original settlers of Kyleville built three banks (Ohio Farmer's Credit, founded in 1890, is still open) in the space of one city block. Yes, the "Bank Block" is on the National Register of Historic Places. Until about 1986, the block was composed mainly of the Kyleville Piggly Wiggly, Cooper's Tasty Freeze, and Mr. B's carry out. After 1986, most of the newer buildings were torn down in an effort to restore the Bank Block to its pre-50's look and feel.

Surrounded by a vast farming community, Kyleville is a rural setting where you are more likely to hit a possum with your pick-up truck than you are to hit a pot hole. The current Board of Selectmen holds meetings every second Tuesday of the month. During these meetings you will overhear the Planning Commission discuss such topics as: "Placement of stop lights at both Atkins road's intersection with State Route 736 and the Pullman Road bypass," and "Re-sodding the Kyleville High School's varsity football stadium field." Kyleville is proud of their 1978 and 1981 state football championships, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Notable Members of Kyleville Society

Walter and Evie Hesket. For 30 years they fed high school kids hot, fresh pizza and cool tunes

• Buck Shore - Owner of the only electronics store in town. Ombudsman to the City Chamber of Commerce and a prominent member of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.
• Davey Shore - Son of Buck and the manager of the I-30 Flying J truck stop.
• The Weinstein Brothers. Ira and Jacob. These two moved to Kyleville in the late 1960's and opened a men's clothiers.
• Morton Greely - Retired. Used to own the Greely Tavern.
• Erma Hoskins - Famous grower of Union County tomatoes.
• Helen Bringartner - Was once married to Ned Bringartner. Her daughter left town in shame after an unfortunate dalliance with Robert Perkins.
• Allen "Perk" Perkins - Owner of the Kyleville International Harvester Implement and Supply Company.
• Pollyanna Bringartner - Left town in a cloud of controversy.
• Walter Hesket - Owner and only operator of the Kyleville "Pizza Depot." The Pizza Depot is a very popular teen hangout.
• Vinton Holsten - Owner of Holsten Meats. If you shoot a buck in Union County, take it to Vinton. Not only will he treat you right, he makes the best venison sausage in all of Union County.

Around Town

1973 and it's time to party at the Elks Lodge!

There are several local "characters" who populate the town of Kyleville. One noted member of the little burg is Jim Otis. He currently operates the only Army surplus store in all of Union county, but it is not his work there that makes him so special. Jim's wife Bertie is a long time sufferer of diabetes. During the fall of 1983, Bertie contracted glaucoma from her diabetic situation and sadly, she lost her sight. Jim now dotes on Bertie and takes her everywhere she needs to go. You can see Jim, arm and arm with his beloved Bertie as he walks her down Corton avenue towards her weekly quilting sessions at Henrietta Welstead's Cape Cod styled home. Ask Jim for help and he is quick to lend it. He also donates much of his time to the local Elks guide dog drive as he is the chair person.

On the other side of the tracks, you will see the new Burger King located on the lot where the old Hershel's burger joint was located. Hershel retired in 1990 and left no heirs to take over his once thriving hamburger stand. Next to the Burger King is Ben's Tool shop. You will often find Ben Hamilton working on his motorcycles...including a 1938 Fathead that he loves to drive in the Fourth of July parade. But don't let these friendly people fool you. Both lots back up against the old football stadium, now a local hangout for young men and women who are seeking a more private place to be. Union county sheriff Tony Carstons can often be found patrolling the old gridiron with his flashlight much as he patrolled that same gridiron in 1981 as a member of the state champion Kyleville Crusader's defense.

Finally, no tour of Kyleville would be complete without mentioning the grain elevator. True, the original elevator blew up due to a dust problem that involved several hundreds of gallons of kerosene, but out of the ruins comes good news for the citizens of Kyleville: Con Agra has agreed to purchase the ruined buildings, train depot, and acreage surrounding the mostly destroyed facility to build a new distribution point for the farmers of Union County. Now, if only we could get the price of soy beans above $7.00 per bushel, we might really be making some progress!

Overheard at the Junction Pub

1988 and 14 year old Bobbi Joe Creedy took home a blue ribbon for her Leffel Hampshire hog.

Hey Craig...how many points is that buck? Craig McNulty shows off his hunting skills.

The good old International Harvester lot in 1971.

Hey! Let's all meet down at the Pizza Depot on Friday night!

It's trusty Rudy Nicols showing his rad skills on his bike

• Buck Shore only has one arm, he uses a hook. But that's confidential...medically, so shhh
• Buck is willin' to deal
• I'm just thinkin' out loud here, but i am pretty sure that Davey Shore, Buck Shore's son, is gay
• Davey Shore ain't nothin' like his daddy
• interesting fact: Buck Shore, despite his congenial attitude towards customers, is a very mean drunk. he once slapped a lady during an AA meeting for asking him about the puke on his black lizard skin cowboy boots
• Buck Shore always wears a black suit. he buys them off the rack at the Weinstein men's clothiers shop on Boston street in downtown Kyleville, ohio
• Another interesting note: the Kyleville, Ohio grain elevator had an explosion in 1967. Nobody died, but the Greely tavern caught fire.
• Yet another interesting note: Johnny Cash once spent the night in the Kyleville City Arms Hotel. They have cabins out back for 46 dollars per night and continental breakfast.
• The Kyleville City Arms Hotel's continental breakfast includes donuts from a local shop in Hendricksburg and orange juice from the Kyleville Piggly Wiggly. Erma Hoskins also provides coffee, tea, and maybe...if you are really nice, a kiss on the cheek!
• In the early 1970s, Erma Hoskins used to buy hats from Helen's Hat Shoppe on the main strip in Kyleville. Helen was the widow of Ned Bringartner...who originally owned the Kyleville drive-inn theater before he lost it to the creditors
• She also grew Union County Fair's largest tomato
• 14 lbs.
• Helen was not a pretty woman, but she always dressed very nice and in the finest fashions. True fact: Buck Shore and Helen Bringartner (nee Hamilton) went to the 1958 Kyleville High School prom together
• Allen Perkins (everybody called him "Perk") owned the International Harvester implement store in Kyleville
• Perk was a very big man, he also chewed a pouch of Red Man chewing tobacco every day
• And get this, he swallowed the juice
• I watched him, day in and day out, drinking coffee or beer behind his desk
• And chewing that goddamned tobacco
• He never spit, so i asked him about it
• He told me that he swallowed it
• He also ate a spoon full of fertilizer to prove it was safe to a customer
• Perk's son Robert was rumored to have knocked up Helen Bringartner's daughter Pollyanna
• Robert Perkins still runs the International Harvester shop to this day
• But you can't get him to talk about Pollyanna
• And nobody is man enough to the story about her out of him
• She left Kyleville in 1980
• I haven't seen her since
• No, everybody thinks that Robert Perkins knocked her up
• Even Buck Shore
• Kyleville is a very interesting place if you know the right people. on a Saturday evening, you can sit in the Junction Pub (on Waverly street next to the Pizza Depot) and listen to all the stories
• Walter Hesket owns the Pizza Depot
• He busted his neck in the grain elevator explosion
• But his son graduated from Ohio State and is a doctor in San Diego now
• back to Allen Perkins: he mows the Kyleville Unified Lutheren Church's lawn every Saturday during the summer and he likes to tinker with his 1922 Ford Model T. He drives it every year in the Fourth of July parade...and while he still chews red man tobacco, he never spits
• Oh man, I completely forgot! The Pizza Depot used to be the Sunlight Laundromat in the 1950s
• Then Walter Hesket bought from it from Cora and Tyrell Washington and moved those people right out of Kyleville
• Walter was a stern man, served in Korea during the war
• He also is a deacon for the Kyleville Lutheren Church
• He still sings in the choir too.

Kyleville is a part of a series on Old Stuff

Dan's Devil's Dictionary | Charles Bukowski | Bookz | New York Yankees | G/tv | Kyleville | Ellen's Hickey | Generic Article | A User's Guide to Article Building | Introduction to English | Salman Rushdie | Rainmeter | Sex Panther | A Pocketknife | Thomas Paine | Wook | Three Or Four Weeks | Internet Relevance | Jim Rome | DMV | Public Library | The Copperhead | Monopoly | Around the House | Marcus P. Kellum’s Personal Journal | Solitaire | Internet Explorer | Billy Ripken | Ka-chunk | Clacka-Clacka | Mickey Mantle | Terry Tate Office Linebacker | Berry | 1guy1jar | Babcock Dairy Farm | Goatse.cx | Old Hoss Radbourn | Rufus Owned A Steam Engine | Blanche Dumas | Thundarr The Barbarian | Superfriends | That Time Is Now | Hong Kong Phooey | Fractured Fairy Tales | Little Twelvetoes | Mullet Girl | Hanker For A Hunk O' Cheese | The Chopper | Yuck Mouth | The Angle Of The Dangle | Michelob | Bulova Computron | Vinko Bogataj | Lower Case, Upper Case, and Shift | Speaking in Texican: A Primer