Wook

The North American Wook in its natural habitat.

I will rest wherever sleep finds me...isn't it beautiful?

Somewhere along the hippy family tree, a genetic missing link crawled out of the primordial soup and managed to live long enough in the pot-smogged air to breed. If one should be so inclined as to find evidence of this sub-breed, one should only look in the vast parking lots and fields that surround such music venues as Bonnaroo, where the observant will find various signs of proof such as empty nitrous balloons, rage-torn dreads, smashed spiced rum bottles, and the occasional passed-out Wook himself.

History

This may look like a Wook, but it is not. This is the American Hippy, ancestor of the common Wook a wizard.

Owing to illicit drug use, female equality, and corrupt political movements, the sixties spawned an offshoot species of humans that are commonly called “hippies”. These dirty and odorous shaven apes forced themselves into modern culture and despite common sense became somewhat accepted by normal human beings. Over time, these hippies, like any other race on Earth, experienced genetic mutations due to their surroundings. One of the more unfortunate mutations for this already unfortunate race was the Wook.

Taking their name from a popular character in the Star Wars movies, Wooks resemble the giant and sarcastic Wookies such as Chewbacca. But this is only in description of their general hairiness alone as they do not smell like Wookies because Wookies take baths.

Causes

Nitrous Oxide can cause genetic mutations.

While the general populace generally looks down upon counterculture slobs, hippies were allowed to survive, as they tended to stay off by themselves, secluded and not infecting the rest of us. This temporarily lackadaisical attitude towards these vermin would be a major contributor to the woes of humanity in the future. Being allowed to survive, they prospered for a long time in their own way, keeping to their communes and farms, smoking their marijuana, and making crafts such as tie-dye banners for concerts. However, this seclusion was not to be a permanent circumstance, the children of these good-for-nothing tree huggers found themselves bored and tired of life on the commune and slowly migrated into normal human society.

They were different from their parents as well, showing much more negative emotion than their ancestors did. Where the hippy practiced peace, love and harmony, the Wook practices theft, vandalism, and rage. Research into this phenomena points to many reasons for this strange turn of events. Various negative factors have introduced a multitude of inherited anomalies; these negative factors include:

• Inbreeding
• Lead poisoning from untested farm wells
• Toxic hemp pollution in the air
• Overall lack of soap in any form
• Copious amounts of hair grown in areas where hair shouldn’t be

While hippies practiced all of the above, it must be noted that the Wook not only practices these articles, but they actually revel in them, causing further hereditary alteration, genetic damage, and bad music.

For Further Study

Not all people who wear dreads and patchwork are considered wooks. Wook is a state of being, involving moochery, not showering, and general shadiness, sketchiness, and that glassy-eyed look. A wook is simply a tour rat who looks like that.

If you have ever been to an outdoor music venue, you have probably seen a Wook in its natural environment. Other places you will tend to find Wooks are head shops, piercing parlors, carry out parking lots (usually near a beat up mini-van or Volkswagen microbus), and college campuses (even though they do not go to school at all).

Habitat

A collection of assorted Wooks.

Wooks generally lurk in wide open spaces such as parking lots, grassy fields, hotel rooms, and New Paltz, NY. The prefer expanses that are surrounded by bushes and trees so that they may sneak off to the underbrush and perform their disgusting and hairy mating rituals. Often times, when a Wook is found in the wild, he or she will be stark naked no matter what the local temperature is. This usually isn't due to a free spirit or any type of "natural state" but rather because they couldn't afford clothing at the last Phish concert's t-shirt stall.

What To Look For

This is not a Wook. This is a hoodrat. Do not be confused.

This is a mated Wook pair.

An IRL Wook. He swears that isn't Phish playing.

" Anyone with a small dog named Marley that looks like it's been malnourished for an entire summer, fed only on veggie burrito scraps is probably a Wook " Sun1, a noted and distinguished Wook-watcher.

Should you wish to discover this |malodorous and unattractive phenomena for your own study, the following signs should be sought after and noted:

• Beat up backpacks and lawn chairs
• Empty cans of aerosol whipped cream
• Torn and slashed copies of “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” found on the ground
• Broken balloons, sized extra-large
• Hunks of snagged or torn dreadlocks
• Phish concert t-shirts
• Hand-knitted purses and fanny packs

By following these clues, one should be able to observe a trail that will lead a person to nasty hotel parking lots where Wooks can be found in droves.

How To Approach A Wook

While their parents were docile and non-threatening, the Wook is far from this. They should not be approached unless a simple, but effective list of safety precautions are examined and followed. It must also be strongly noted that when approaching a Wook, the observer must never take his or her cash or wallet out in the open where a Wook may see it.

• Approach only in the early morning hours (sometime between 11:00am and 2:00pm) when the Wook is at his or her weakest.
• Make no sudden movements unless you are dancing to the Grateful Dead or you are using a Hacky-Sack.
• Small offerings such as a joint or a piece of blotter paper acid may help you gain a Wook’s trust.
• Never mention unpleasant things such as employment or republican politics.
• A sleeping Wook is dangerous, do not attempt to wake one while he or she is in this state as they can be quite violent upon waking and finding out that somebody has stolen their pants, drugs, or both.
• If you should gain their trust, obnoxious subjects such as free-range chickens, organic shoes, and marijuana legalization should only be discussed. Straying outside of these simple topics could cause mental fatigue in a Wook and will tend to shut them off from further conversation.

Warnings

A very strong warning must be made concerning the approach and study of the common Wook. Over the course of your study, you may find yourself beginning to envy or emulate their lifestyle. This phenomenon, though dangerous, is quite simple to avoid by following a simple set of guidelines:

• Drugs (in this situation) are bad and should only be used in minute amounts and only to gain the trust of a Wook.
• If you should happen to drop acid, don’t freak out, it will only last 8 hours or so. Upon reaching a state of sober calm, leave the vicinity of the Wook immediately.
• In case you have lost your toiletries (soap, toothpaste, razor) a Wook will, sooner or later, need to replenish his or her alcohol supply at a local carry-out or grocery store. During such trips, it will be easy to purchase what you need in short order. Do not allow the Wook to see you make such purchases.
• Never put on body paints or tie-dyed clothing. These are Wook mating ritual garments and can cause undue stress upon the mating structure of the Wook society you choose to observe. Putting these things on your body can also lead to a scorching case of gonorrhea as well.
• Sleeping in your own vomit is acceptable, but not recommended.
• Those little moving things in your pubic region? They are crabs. Upon receiving crabs, please see a physician as soon as possible.
• Patchouli oil is not considered hygiene, nor is it hygienic.

What You May Hear

Wooks will often play Grateful Dead noise to hide their true intentions.

When studying and observing the common Wook, you will hear several common noises aside from the blaring Grateful Dead music they are playing. These noises are similar to mating calls in birds. If you hear any or all of the following phrases, you know that you are in the midst of a Wook herd:

• "Yo, we popped the shit outta that Comfort Inn cherry and raged the shit out of that virgin hotey."
• "I got an 8ball, let's go rage the hotey gangsta style."
• "Hey sweettooth, wanna do 2 for 10 and go back and rage the hotey, just you and me baby?"
• "Wanna go rage the hotey with some rocking deemsters, brah?"
• ”Some heady lot trash sold us some bunk molly at Bonnaroo last year.”
• ”Yo those wookies over there are trying to sell beat rolls.”

For context, it must be noted that a “hotey” is a Wook slang term for a hotel and that “raging a hotey” is best described as the act where one person pays for a hotel room and 25 super heady shwilled out kidZZZ slug on handles of booze and "rage it" before and/or after the show usually resulting in an early AM kick out.

Conclusions Of Study

Once the study of Wook culture is complete, it is best to take a long shower using lots of soap. A visit to a local physician is also probably in order, as well as a trip to a rehab clinic. If these tools are not available to you, you are probably already a Wook and shouldn’t bother anyways.

Popular Descriptions

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.

There are several descriptions of Wooks and Wook culture found on the internet, here are a few examples of this “Lot Trash” phenomena:

• Kids that go on tour to see bands like Phish & The Disco Biscuits and rage the parking lot the whole show, scrounging for free kickdowns of Sammy Smith, Hubbas & Nitrous. Lot Trash is also a song dedicatded to the phans by the band Speedball. -Urban Dictionary 1

A lifeless idiot whose whole existence consists of following around jam bands and not showering or shaving. When they're not panhandling or trying to rip people off, they're selling veggie burritos or grilled cheese to fund their useless existence. They stand for nothing and care about nobody else. (Not to be confused with a hippie. A hippie is someone who lives a certain lifestyle due to their beliefs. Hippies often shower and have jobs.)-Urban Dictionary 2

Noun or adjective. a dirty, hairy, stinky, mal-nourished, dishonest creature that often travels in packs, with possibly and unfortunately, mangy, multi-colored dogs on hand-made all natural, organic hemp leashes, or alone wandering aimlessly around a concert (usually "hippie music") parking lot with a few seemingly more important than the music goals; find as many mind altering substances and cram them into their bodies as fast and furiously as possible, get into the show somehow, don't lose the dog this time, and if by chance they come across unattended property such as a cooler, chair, backpack, or a beverage, it will then become their own. also once inside the show and the music begins, even if it sucks, a true wook will never be able to tell the difference because once the substances take effect, many of them can actually be seen dancing and "gooving" to music that only they can hear. -Personal experience

Quotes

“ Elliot, ducttape one of your "bitches" to your "hotey" door so we know which one is yours and which one to go into to rage with the brah's.” --Some Wook named PT.

“ Feeling good was easy when he sang the blues, and feeling good was good enough for me...” --Janis Joplin, mother of the modern Wook.

“ I've learned not to be all too picky, but some good white widow goes a long way.” --Some Wook while he has his hand in your back pocket.

“ what is everyones facinatation with charatcerizing and labeling people? so 8th grade.” --A Wook, who consequently never passed the 7th grade.

“ Chewbacca is the muh-fuckin' man, so why use Wook as a derogatory term? Instead, let's use Jar-Jar. That dude is mad annoying and had pseudo dreads, as well. That jar-jar is swingin' some dank nugz” --FACEPALM

«9:41:17» Sun1: valuable additional quotes/thoughts
«9:41:21» Sun1: "hugs for nugs!"
«9:41:41» Sun1: "whose got my heady free nugs?!"
«9:41:50»  Sun1: there's a fine line between hippie and wook
«9:42:23»  Sun1: at setbreak, when everyone sits down to take a break, guard your area carefully. Wooks might try to rest there

Gallery

If you are able to stomach an obscene amount of body hair, click upon the following thumbnails to observe tribal Wooks and their environment. You may also note that an overwhelming number of Wooks do nothing more than sleep (in their own vomit). This is due to the over-excessive partying they have done the night before.

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Video

Wook cuisine

How to crochet a hacky sack

External Links

• An examination of one particular Wook.
• Great source for Wook images.
• Several Wooks died after reading this article.
• More Wook phenomena.
• Phish messageboard
• Very interesting discussion pertaining to Wooks and their capture.
• Wook drama page.
• More Wook drama and discussion.
• Good God! They never stop!

Wook is a part of a series on Old Stuff

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