Fucking Gas Cans

Who the fuck invented this thing?

Yet another way to destroy normal human life, FUCKING GAS CANS, the new ones, named CARB compliant suck balls and need to be destroyed.

Explanation

You have to jack the thing off!

OSHA, the EPA, the local fire marshal, and all the other guys in charge of making your life miserable, invented these stupid things so that you spill gasoline all over yourself, your machine, your asphalt driveway, and your grass. The end goal is to make it so that gasoline engines are so distasteful, you don't want to use them anymore.

Oh yeah, and when you use these dumb things, the fuel dribbles out like a 84 year old man with bladder stones. I hope you have three hours to waste when you want to pour a gallon of gas into your socks while trying to fill up the lawn mower.

This is all in the name of "saving precious lives!" you might exclaim in a naïve fashion. Yes, the lives of a small group of dipshits who dump gasoline on a hot part of their motor, or (more likely) like to play with roman candles while they handle liquor and flammable liquids.

Wait what? Nope, it isn't about saving lives at all. Nobody cares if you burn yourself up trying to dump a quart of gasoline into your chainsaw (mixed with 2 cycle oil of course). They are worried about the fumes that a leaky gas can might have while it is stored in your shed.

Testimonials

Or, anecdotal evidence that is totally relevant...

“ The spouts are complicated and so cheaply made, they never seem to work, even if you follow their logic. And they seem to require three hands to operate. Plus the venting is bad. Bottom line: I wind up spilling more gas with the new ones than the old – what a waste. The law of unintended consequences at work, I guess.” -- This guy named "Ken J" who deals with these things like I do.

“ Goddamnit, who the hell decided this was safe?” -- weishaupt just after he dumped gasoline on his new boots.

“ Can't we just buy old cans and use them?” -- A sane person who was immediately arrested by OSHA agents, working undercover.

“ As you may know, a few years ago for the good of humanity a law mandated that gas cans have some stupid locking mechanism that, in theory, only allows gas to poor when there is pressure put on the spout. The reality is that this mechanism works well one or two times. It thereafter fails to work properly because even the slightest amount of dust raises the friction point such that it becomes a complete cluster.” -- This guy is MAD

The Fix

Put them here.

This is highly illegal, so never do it:

• Buy an older can at a garage/yard sale
• Cut off that stupid nozzle and drill a "breath hole" on the other side of the can
• Just buy your gasoline at a gas station that allows you to pump it into plastic buckets
• Buy one of those blacklisted nozzles off of your favorite consignment website. You may have to search the dark web for such items.
• Remove that pesky locking ring

References

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