Buffet

In America, there are several buffets. Places like Golden Coral, Shoney's, Cici's Pizza, and Sizzler are all arenas where bloated American butterballs do battle daily. This article aims to give the average blubbo chunker a strategy when entering combat. As with much in life, there is a smart way and a retarded way to visit a buffet.

As a fat ass, stinking, American swine, I can instruct the average normie in the correct way to approach, enter, and ultimately conquer an All You Can Eat buffet.

The Business

There isn't any trickery going on here. The companies behind buffets know why you are going to them. You are there to stuff your face. It is their hope that you will eat the cheaper food and stay away from the prime rib carving station or the robster craws. They want to maximize their profit by directing you to cheaper foods and drinks.

As Americans get fatter and fatter, this business model grows slowly more and more unsound. A fatter diner will be able to shove more vittles into their gob, costing the buffet more and more money. It is because of this that the traditional all you can eat buffet is an endangered species. A typical case of putting yourself out of business.

Preparation

If you are younger than 30 years old, disregard this advice. Your metabolism is quick enough to handle whatever you shove down your throat and burn it up quickly. There are stories of high school baseball teams that have put buffets out of business in a single night.

If you happen to be older and normal, you must not eat for at least 10 hours before entering the buffet. It is crucial to do this because as an older person, it feels like a total rip off if you go into a buffet and only eat one or two plates.

Foods To Totally Ignore

So you are at an upscale buffet. The ones with crab legs, those cheap lobster tails, sushi, and a Mongolian Barbecue. You probably spent around seventy-five bucks to get in there, so you need to know what foods to ignore because either they will fill you up too quickly, or you can get at home.

Seriously, why go to a restaurant at all if you can get the same shit at home?

Soda

The waiters always hover around the diners with pitchers of root beer, cola, and other fizzy drinks. Wonder why? They fill you up. Also, the calories in sodas are "empty calories" that do nothing good for you.

Pasta, Nuts, and Rice

It saddens me to mention pasta and telling you to avoid it at a buffet. I happen to like pasta and any number of sauces to go along with it. Truthfully, if you enter the arena of a buffet, you have to act like a Keto warrior. Totally ignore any high carb foods.

Some buffets have a large assortment of nuts on the salad bar. Walnuts, Pecans, and Macadamia nuts are yummy and pair well with a salad, but for our purposes, they take up too much valuable stomach space. Additionally, some nuts are salted, making a diner thirsty. This ends up in the diner drinking more soda.

On the Sushi bar, there are probably about 15 different types of rolls. All of them use Sushi rice and should be avoided. Yes, Sushi is delicious and fun to eat, but remember, we are being strategic here. Try to stick your dining to Sashimi, if they have it. Another good choice is to utilize the hibachi grill, but no noodles or rice.

Breads

Every buffet I have ever been in has had a whole section of the bar dedicated to bread. Rolls, slices, buns, and garlic bread, all stacked on pretty serving plates are there to tempt you. Much like the previous section, these foods are high carb foods and should be given a wide berth.

You can get all of that stuff at home as well, including the garlic bread. Why waste your money on these things. You are at the buffet to make an absolute slob of decedency, and that means foods that are far more rich and lavish than a mere crust of bread.

Salads

Salads can be healthy and they can taste good. Probably half of the buffet's space is dedicated to salads. Stay away. You didn't come to the buffet to eat leaves and twigs. If you did, you are an idiot. A 3 dollar bag of lettuce could have satisfied your itch for a salad.

Fruit

Same goes with fruit. Why are you at a buffet when you probably have a bunch of bananas at home. Also, those bananas covered in red slime you find at Asian buffets are probably poison.

If there is any time where a person should eat fruit at a buffet, I would think it was at the end of the meal as a dessert. Items like citrus and melons are particularly cleansing, light, and fresh tasting.

Foods To Eat

Think about it. You didn't spend 75 bucks to eat the same stuff you can find at home.