Softball Guy

we all know softball guy a lot of you are softball guy let me very quickly take you through softball guy there are a couple of different variations of softball guy you know I'm talking about the guys that are 35 37 early 40s late 20s they're out there still hacking and that's fine but I'm not talking about everybody who plays softball I'm talking about softball guy make the distinction some of my best friends play softball it's fine I'm talking about softball guy not softball player it's mostly isolated too and again there are a few different forms three come to mind there's angry young guy there is fat guy and then there's stat dork most of this focus is on angry young guy now you know angry young guy softball player knows softball guy who typically is angry young guy angry young guy is the guy who's out there playing like it's Game seven of the World Series every single game and you know why he's out there playing like it's Game seven of the World Series because he really believes that if his high school coach didn't hate him he would be playing Game seven of the World Series angry young guy is the guy who thinks that if his senior or if his coach in high school didn't hate him he would be Derek Jeter that the only reason Derek Jeter is Derek Jeter is because his high school coach didn't hate him so angry young guys out there playing like it's Game seven and the only reason it's not is because his coach hated him never mind that I'm sure the coach had a good reason to hate him he's a hateful guy look at him look at the way he's playing softball because coaches always get rid of guys that ultimately could make it to the big leagues I mean how many high school coaches do you know that look at a guy and say you know what that guy's the best player in the history of this school but I hate him let's cut him that's a five-tool kid that's the first-round draft pick that's the best kid ever to come through here I hate him then normally they like those guys you know but angry young guy not only is he the guy who really thinks that he would be in the big leagues if not for that he's the guy who's out there with his $500 bat he's got like the nicest gear not only the 500-hour bat but he's in the on-deck circle with the donut taking his hacks trying to time the pitcher all right you know he's in there in the on-deck circle trying to time the pitcher because you want to take your hacks and try to time a guy who's throwing the ball about 18 miles an hour you know so then the other guys come back to the bench and he's like chatting him up like yo what's he got what's he got what's he got he's got that 18 mile an hour blooper that he's throwing all of us that's what he's got hey I can't really pick up the spin on that what's he got so angry young guys out there with a $500 bat trying to time the pitch from the on-deck circle and he's chatting everybody up asking his teammates what the guy's got of course he's got the full gear the stirrups everything I black wristbands stirrups metal spikes five hundred our bat it's got the whole thing working sunglasses at night and this is the guy that always goes hard into second base to break up double plays in softball this is the guy that's desperately trying to get his team an extra out whenever he can because he quote plays the game the right way and he hates teammates that don't he hates it when guys around him don't play the game the right way never mind the shortstop from the other team who's 37 who's out there like everybody else to have a few pops is now at the emergency room because this guy had to play the game the right way with a fractured orbital bone this is the guy angry young guy who's arguing with the umpire who wants to fight the other team if he loses who uses profanity in front of kids who's constantly on his teammates work to work the count worth the count work the count we're down by one run late be patient don't be afraid to hit with two strikes take a strike work the count this is the same guy who thinks that a walk is as good as a base hit but it's not because it's softball you know the guy look if you see more than two pitches and softball you're out there for all the wrong reasons this is the guy that when he's playing on a co-ed team yellows at a female teammate for missing the cutoff man this is a guy who yells at his teammates for not taking strikes this is the guy who goes to the cage before the game not the bar to get a few pops but goes to the cage before the game to work on a swing and then after the game if he didn't get his five hits he's back in the cage this is the guy that's always yelling at the scorekeeper you know this is the guy who plays on more than one team and is going up and down the bench going damn damn same thing happened Tuesday night on my other team of course the guy doesn't play on Sundays because he needs to rest up for the other six games he plays but he's got a routine that he sticks to on his off day look and don't send me your email softball guy cuz I know how this goes if you're sending me an email right now to say that I'm a jackass and you're demanding to know what I do on the weekend then you're that guy if you think that what I just did is anything other than hilarious you are angry young guy angry young softball guy if you come home after a tough loss and you tell either your wife or your girlfriend to shut up then you're that guy - hi honey how was the game you know we just shut up excuse me what'd you just say I said we lost a one-run game to the gladiators that we were an out away from winning would you shut up and that's the only angry young guy I just covered that's not at all a softball guy if you kept a softball loss with you more than one second after heading to the dugout you're that guy if you're out there for any other reason but to run around a little bit hang out with the fellas and pound a few beers you're that guy and that doesn't even cover that guy that's just angry young guy or team dork team manager who doesn't even play that guy is the guy hates his wife hates his kids hates his job hates his life and he is gonna go out there and get wasted and mash he's just out there to get drunk to him it's just an outdoor bar he just wants get out the house he's sick of looking at his wife he's sick of looking at his kids he hates his boss he hates his job he doesn't wanna think about anything other than mashing and pounding I'm okay with that guy I felt like that guy compared to the first guy I love that guy I like the guy who hates his wife and his kids and his boss and his life bike in Paris and I love that guy by comparison that guy's my best friend by comparison I want to hang out with that guy and I hope it rubs off on me compared to the other guy and then softball guy number three is stat dork manager dork the guy who keeps all the numbers who keeps the book and doesn't even play he created the team website which he updates during the game from his tree oh that guy's almost as bad as angry young guy but not quite if your back cost more than 250 bucks you're that guy if you won't let anybody else on the team use your bat you're that guy if your monthly grocery allowance is 200 bucks but you've got more than 5 grand in softball gear you're that guy if you hate me in this show now because of this rant you're that guy family the family of six is eating Top Ramen again tonight but but did you see this new TPX bat that I picked up got it online it's a minus 10 and it was only 750 bucks honey the kids are really tired of Top Ramen yeah well tell him to put some that artificial sweetener on it that it comes with and come out to the yard and see me swing my new bat yeah but has how many shoes he's outgrown them they've got holes in the soles yeah well he can touch my bat I'm hitting 700 what more do you people want what the hell is wrong with this family dad's hitting 700 what do you want prime rib every night get in the car get there early daddy's mashing