Exit

"Because it's old; that's the chief reason. We haven't any use for old things here." "Even when they're beautiful?" "Particularly when they're beautiful. Beauty's attractive, and we don't want people to be attracted by old things. We want them to like the new ones.”

paint

Paint is alive while it is inside of a paint can. Once paint is painted onto a surface and then dries, it dies. This is why paint does not want to come out of the paint can. Ever wonder why there are a bunch of old paint cans in your garage that are half full? This is why.

hiding

In the backyard of the house I grew up in, there is a very large blue spruce tree. It was on the property line between my parent's home and the house next door and I guess it was mostly on the neighbor's side of the property line. One year, they had a tree service come out and trim the tree because wind was blowing garbage under it and making a mess. Because the tree had such think foliage, you could crawl under it and hide. Nobody would see you. I buried a metal box under that tree that had my life savings in it up to that point. That box is still buried there, 46 years later, under that pine needle earth. Six dollars and thirty-eight cents.

stares

Taking the stairs is always faster than taking the elevator if you are going up just a few floors. This is because you cannot "run up" an elevator.

tv

There is a television set in Heaven. On this TV, you can watch damned souls burning in Hell.

asparagus

When you are making cream of asparagus soup and you don't blend it before adding the cream, you end up with "boiled asparagus in water."

tv 2

On television, whenever a cop or a fire fighter is eating and they get a call, they drop their food very quickly and go on their call. Cops usually dump their coffee and food in a conveniently nearby trash can. In real life, this never happens. I have watched a police officer get a call and then calmly finish eating the gas station tornado he was holding.

bill

I was friends with this old guy named Bill. Bill was a fraud detective for a city's police department. One time, Bill told me about his favorite case that he had. This occurred a long time ago, back in the 1980s, and was a classic fraud scheme that even had the judge of the case laughing. In the local newspaper, somebody was running an advertisement for GRASS FOR SALE. Remember, grass is a slang term for marijuana. The advertisement also had a graphic that looked like a marijuana leaf, the cost of the grass, and a P.O. box to send your payment to. Bill and his buddies watched the P.O. box and after a few days, made an arrest. The guy was collecting a payment for the "grass" which actually turned out to be grass clippings from his front yard. Bill told me that the only thing illegal he was doing was representing a controlled substance for sale and that it didn't matter if the drug was fake or not, you can't do that. Bill also told me that the judge was so busy laughing at the scam that he didn't give the grass guy any jail time and only a minimal fine.

society

Bike helmets make for a soft headed populace.

pain

From an early age, we are all told to "lift with our legs" instead of lifting with our back. It seemed like good advice, years ago, when we were young and didn't feel pain like older people do. Now, after all those years of saving my back, I have had problems with both of my knees. I know a lot of people that have back pain from various injuries done to themselves over the years, but none of them ever seem to have leg/knee/ankle/foot pain. I guess the real advice is to "not lift at all" because it's a no win situation.

angles

If you are a man, when you go to the bathroom in your house, do you care where you stand in relation to where the actual toilet is installed? I mean, it doesn't really matter does it? You are at your house, so if you piss on the seat, you're gonna clean it up right? Also, if it's your house, why would you not put the seat up? So, if you are a normal human male, who takes care of the shit in his life, does it really matter if you piss into the bowl from the side? Heck, if you are goofy enough, you could stand on the tank and piss downwards.

toys

Nails, as manly as they seem, are just toys. I see these guys framing studs and tacking down boards and I just shake my head. Everything you can do with a nail is done five times better with a screw. Sure, you are going to pay much more for the box of screws, but you will reap the reward of a simple fact: nails pull out over time, screws are locked into place...forever. They just don't come out unless you unscrew them. As an extra added bonus, they are about a billion times easier to remove than some old straight nail where you need a claw hammer to drag them out. Ruins the nail and fucks up the board you used to be working with. No, just toss on the bit you need for the particular screw, and it eases out quickly. Just as new as the day you screwed it down.

coffee

To this day, I do not remember how my father liked to fix himself a cup of coffee. I don't remember if he put cream or sugar in it, or how much of either he added. The only thing I do recall is that he liked a certain style of coffee cup. Not a mug, mind you, but a proper coffee cup set upon a saucer. He has been dead for quite some time, but I can still hear the sound, that "clink" when he put his cup down on the saucer.

bloggin?

I have a blog, but I find myself looking at mediawiki extensions that proclaim that they are blogging software. I don't know why. I actually like blogging on the index page of this site. Also, I guess I am blogging here.

front porch

you heard of those old stories of a wild animal dying underneath your front porch? raccoons, rats, rabbits, rabies. stupid animals that get stuck in some place around your home, die, and then stink up the place. well, when i was a kid, my dad took over a condominium that had a huge porch. they found a horse carcass under it.

bats

bats are just a rat with a hang glider. <--- this is a stupid old joke. why did i put it here?

this sucks/suck my dick

mom told me to mow the yard. i got out the push mower and started. always do the front yard first, that's what dad wanted. got that done. start on the backyard and realize that my older sister has not picked up the dog poop in the area where my dog poops. try to mow through it anyways because i think i can mow around the piles and maybe my sister can clean up the poop later. doing this leaves grassy tufts sticking up in the yard. i accidentally step in dog poop at some point and get angry. mom comes out to see how i am doing and notices the tufts of grass sticking up and doesn't know that i have just stepped in a pile of turds. "YOU NEED TO MOW THOSE TUFTS DOWN," she tries to yell over the loud mower motor. "THIS SUCKS," i yell back also fighting the mower's noise. she misheard me and thought that i said "SUCK MY DICK" at the top of my lungs.

needless to say, i received an epic beat down from my mom. she was the type that, if she was mad enough, would grab anything and beat your ass. "anything" included snow shovels (another tale to be told later), yard sticks, her shoes, and any other sort of farm implement she could get her hands on. some 10 year old asshole telling her to "SUCK MY DICK" was enough to warrant a whipping that would not soon be forgotten. but it didn't stop there. once dad got home, the story was re-told and the beat down was repeated... only dad just used his fists.

much later, i explained to my mom what i had said and showed her the dog poop in the treads of my sneakers. as said before, she was mad and was quite a reactionary woman. once she realized what had happened, she offered an apology. this didn't help my tanned hide or slapped face, but it was a small thing.

my dad, however, never apologized. his only nugget of wisdom was "oh yeah? well, just don't ever tell your mom to suck your dick.