Softball Guy

Stolen transcript from Jim Rome's rant about "Softball Guy." I will probably get around to editing it for punctuation and such. Maybe.

we all know softball guy a lot of you
are softball guy let me very quickly
take you through softball guy there are
a couple of different variations of
softball guy you know I'm talking about
the guys that are 35 37 early 40s late
20s they're out there still hacking and
that's fine but I'm not talking about
everybody who plays softball I'm talking
about softball guy make the distinction
some of my best friends play softball
it's fine I'm talking about softball guy
not softball player it's mostly isolated
too and again there are a few different
forms three come to mind
there's angry young guy there is fat guy
and then there's stat dork most of this
focus is on angry young guy now you know
angry young guy softball player knows
softball guy who typically is angry
young guy angry young guy is the guy
who's out there playing like it's Game
seven of the World Series every single
game and you know why he's out there
playing like it's Game seven of the
World Series because he really believes
that if his high school coach didn't
hate him he would be playing Game seven
of the World Series angry young guy is
the guy who thinks that if his senior or
if his coach in high school didn't hate
him he would be Derek Jeter that the
only reason Derek Jeter is Derek Jeter
is because his high school coach didn't
hate him so angry young guys out there
playing like it's Game seven and the
only reason it's not is because his
coach hated him
never mind that I'm sure the coach had a
good reason to hate him he's a hateful
guy look at him look at the way he's
playing softball because coaches always
get rid of guys that ultimately could
make it to the big leagues I mean how
many high school coaches do you know
that look at a guy and say you know what
that guy's the best player in the
history of this school but I hate him
let's cut him that's a five-tool kid
that's the first-round draft pick that's
the best kid ever to come through here I
hate him then normally they like those
guys you know but angry young guy not
only is he the guy who really thinks
that he would be in the big leagues if
not for that he's the guy who's out
there with his $500
bat he's got like the nicest gear not
only the 500-hour bat but he's in the
on-deck circle with the donut taking his
hacks trying to time the pitcher all
right you know he's in there in the
on-deck circle
trying to time the pitcher because you
want to take your hacks and try to time
a guy who's throwing the ball about 18
miles an hour you know so then the other
guys come back to the bench and he's
like chatting him up like yo what's he
got what's he got what's he got he's got
that 18 mile an hour blooper that he's
throwing all of us that's what he's got
hey I can't really pick up the spin on
that what's he got so angry young guys
out there with a $500 bat trying to time
the pitch from the on-deck circle and
he's chatting everybody up asking his
teammates what the guy's got of course
he's got the full gear the stirrups
everything I black wristbands stirrups
metal spikes five hundred our bat it's
got the whole thing working sunglasses
at night and this is the guy that always
goes hard into second base to break up
double plays in softball this is the guy
that's desperately trying to get his
team an extra out whenever he can
because he quote plays the game the
right way and he hates teammates that
don't he hates it when guys around him
don't play the game the right way never
mind the shortstop from the other team
who's 37 who's out there like everybody
else to have a few pops is now at the
emergency room because this guy had to
play the game the right way with a
fractured orbital bone this is the guy
angry young guy who's arguing with the
umpire who wants to fight the other team
if he loses who uses profanity in front
of kids who's constantly on his
teammates work to work the count worth
the count
work the count we're down by one run
late be patient don't be afraid to hit
with two strikes take a strike work the
count this is the same guy who thinks
that a walk is as good as a base hit but
it's not because it's softball
you know the guy look if you see more
than two pitches and softball you're out
there for all the wrong reasons this is
the guy that when he's playing on a
co-ed team yellows at a female teammate
for missing the cutoff man this is a guy
who yells at his teammates for not
taking strikes this is the guy who goes
to the cage before the game not the bar
to get a few pops but goes to the cage
before the game to work on a swing and
then after the game if he didn't get his
five hits he's back in the cage this is
the guy that's always yelling at the
scorekeeper you know this is the guy who
plays on more than one team and is going
up and down the bench going damn damn
same thing happened Tuesday night on my
other team of course the guy doesn't
play on Sundays because he needs to rest
up for the other six games he plays but
he's got a routine that he sticks to on
his off day look and don't send me your
email softball guy cuz I know how this
goes if you're sending me an email right
now to say that I'm a jackass and you're
demanding to know what I do on the
weekend then you're that guy if you
think that what I just did is anything
other than hilarious you are angry young
guy angry young softball guy if you come
home after a tough loss and you tell
either your wife or your girlfriend to
shut up then you're that guy - hi honey
how was the game you know we just shut
up excuse me
what'd you just say I said we lost a
one-run game to the gladiators that we
were an out away from winning would you
shut up and that's the only angry young
guy I just covered that's not at all a
softball guy if you kept a softball loss
with you more than one second after
heading to the dugout you're that guy if
you're out there for any other reason
but to run around a little bit
hang out with the fellas and pound a few
beers you're that guy and that doesn't
even cover that guy that's just angry
young guy or team dork team manager who
doesn't even play that guy is the guy
hates his wife
hates his kids hates his job hates his
life and he is gonna go out there and
get wasted and mash he's just out there
to get drunk to him it's just an outdoor
bar
he just wants get out the house he's
sick of looking at his wife he's sick of
looking at his kids he hates his boss he
hates his job he doesn't wanna think
about anything other than mashing and
pounding I'm okay with that guy I felt
like that guy compared to the first guy
I love that guy
I like the guy who hates his wife and
his kids and his boss and his life bike
in Paris and I love that guy by
comparison that guy's my best friend by
comparison I want to hang out with that
guy and I hope it rubs off on me
compared to the other guy and then
softball guy number three is stat dork
manager dork the guy who keeps all the
numbers who keeps the book and doesn't
even play he created the team website
which he updates during the game from
his tree oh that guy's almost as bad as
angry young guy but not quite if your
back cost more than 250 bucks you're
that guy if you won't let anybody else
on the team use your bat you're that guy
if your monthly grocery allowance is 200
bucks but you've got more than 5 grand
in softball gear you're that guy if you
hate me in this show now because of this
rant you're that guy family the family
of six is eating Top Ramen again tonight
but but did you see this new TPX bat
that I picked up got it online it's a
minus 10 and it was only 750 bucks honey
the kids are really tired of Top Ramen
yeah well tell him to put some that
artificial sweetener on it that it comes
with and come out to the yard and see me
swing my new bat yeah but has how many
shoes he's outgrown them they've got
holes in the soles yeah well he can
touch my bat I'm hitting 700 what more
do you people want what the hell is
wrong with this family
dad's hitting 700 what do you want prime
rib every night get in the car get there
early daddy's mashing