Standardized Field Sobriety Tests

Further Info: I am not a law official, lawyer, or anybody of consequence. This article is reported out of anecdotal evidence and is also satirical in nature. No actual legal counsel is expressed or implied. On top of that, it's kinda ridiculous that you have to say all that shit in this day and age because people get butthurt for no reason when you don't. 🤔

Standardized Field Sobriety Tests are a dog and pony show that police officers run a suspect through during a DUI traffic stop. This article will explain the most popularly used tests and explain why they are used. It will also explain why you should never do these tests under any circumstances.

It must be stressed that the easiest and best way to avoid Standardized Field Sobriety Tests is to not drive drunk. But you already knew that and saying things that way comes off as smarmy and holier than thou.

Even still, further information on this subject can be found under the article: What To Do When You Are Drunk And Get Pulled Over By A Police Officer.

Order Of Operations

Just like mathematics, police officers follow an order of operations. It goes something like this:

1. They Ask. This action usually comes first when you interact with an officer. It may come off as casual conversation. It is not. Police officers are continually gathering evidence, and you should be aware of this. An example of an "Ask" would be something like "do you know how fast you were going?" or "how much have you had to drink tonight?"

1. They Tell. This action is a lawful order that you must obey. If you don't obey, you may be subject to a beatdown, a tazing, or even a gunshot wound. Examples of lawful orders are "GET ON THE GROUND, FUCKO!" and "Please step out of the car."

1. They Make. This is when they wrestle you to the ground because you didn't do what they told you to do. Wrestling with a police officer can (and usually will) involve "pain compliance." This can involve wrist locks, the "elbow to the sky" maneuver, taser deployment, and other pain inducing actions that will the officer to control the suspect.

It must be noted that this order of operations is fluid and can happen in several ways, or not at all. If a police officer walks up on a suspect raping a woman with a knife to her throat, he will probably skip the first two steps. The situation will dictate the way things happen.

A Quick Scenario

The following dialog is meant as a ficticious scenario to explain how "Ask, Tell, Make" works and how it could fit into a Standardized Field Sobriety Test situation.

1. You are driving
2. Officer witnesses you doing something wrong
3. Officer pulls you over
4. Officer Asks you conversational questions
5. Officer decides that you are intoxicated
6. Officer Tells you to step out of the car
7. You step out of the car
8. Officer Asks you to perform field sobriety tests
9. You tell him no and that all cops are pigs
10. Officer Tells you that you are under arrest
11. You attempt to get back in your car and run the officer over
12. Officer jumps out of the way, reaches into your car and shuts it off, yanks you out, beats the hell out of you, and Makes you get cuffed and stuffed