Softball Guy

Stolen transcript from Jim Rome's rant about "Softball Guy." I will probably get around to editing it for punctuation and such. Maybe.

We all know softball guy. A lot of you are softball guy. Let me very quickly take you through softball guy. There are a couple of different variations of softball guy. You know I'm talking about
the guys that are 35 37 early 40s late 20s they're out there still hacking and that's fine, but I'm not talking about everybody who plays softball.

I'm talking about softball guy.

Make the distinction. Some of my best friends play softball. It's fine I'm talking about softball guy. Not softball player. It's mostly isolated too and again there are a few different forms. Three come to mind:

==blah==
There's angry young guy, there is fat guy, and then there's stat dork. Most of this focus is on angry young guy. Now you know angry young guy softball player knows softball guy who typically is angry young guy. Angry young guy is the guy who's out there playing like it's Game seven of the World Series every single game. And you know why he's out there playing like it's Game seven of the
World Series because he really believes that if his high school coach didn't hate him he would be playing Game seven of the World Series.

Angry young guy is the guy who thinks that if his senior or if his coach in high school didn't hate
him he would be Derek Jeter that the only reason Derek Jeter is Derek Jeter is because his high school coach didn't hate him. So angry young guys out there playing like it's Game seven and the
only reason it's not is because his coach hated him never mind that I'm sure the coach had a
good reason to hate him.

He's a hateful guy look at him look at the way he's playing softball because coaches always get rid of guys that ultimately could make it to the big leagues. I mean how many high school coaches do you know that look at a guy and say you know what that guy's the best player in the history of this school but I hate him let's cut him.

That's a five-tool kid. That's the first-round draft pick. That's the best kid ever to come through here. I hate him. They normally they like those guys you know but angry young guy. Not only is he the guy who really thinks that he would be in the big leagues if not for that.

He's the guy who's out there with his $500 bat. He's got like the nicest gear. Not only the 500 dollar bat but he's in the on-deck circle with the donut taking his hacks trying to time the pitcher. All right you know he's in there in the on-deck circle, trying to time the pitcher because you want to take your hacks and try to time a guy who's throwing the ball about 18 miles an hour. You know so then the other guys come back to the bench and he's like chatting him up like "Yo what's he got?" "What's he got?" "What's he got?"

He's got that 18 mile an hour blooper that he's throwing all of us. That's what he's got.

"Hey I can't really pick up the spin on that. What's he got?"

So angry young guys out there with a $500 bat trying to time the pitch from the on-deck circle and
he's chatting everybody up asking his teammates what the guy's got.

Of course he's got the full gear the stirrups everything. Eye black, wristbands, stirrups, metal spikes, five hundred dollar bat. It's got the whole thing working. Sunglasses at night and this is the guy that always goes hard into second base to break up double plays. In softball this is the guy
that's desperately trying to get his team an extra out whenever he can because he quote plays the game the right way and he hates teammates that don't. He hates it when guys around him don't play the game the right way.

Never mind the shortstop from the other team who's 37 who's out there like everybody else to have a few pops is now at the emergency room because this guy had to play the game the right way. With a
fractured orbital bone. This is the guy. Angry young guy who's arguing with the umpire, who wants to fight the other team if he loses, who uses profanity in front of kids, who's constantly on his teammates to work the count.

"Worth the count, work the count, we're down by one run late be patient don't be afraid to hit
with two strikes. Take a strike. Work the count."

This is the same guy who thinks that a walk is as good as a base hit but it's not because it's softball.

you know the guy look if you see more
than two pitches and softball you're out
there for all the wrong reasons this is
the guy that when he's playing on a
co-ed team yellows at a female teammate
for missing the cutoff man this is a guy
who yells at his teammates for not
taking strikes this is the guy who goes
to the cage before the game not the bar
to get a few pops but goes to the cage
before the game to work on a swing and
then after the game if he didn't get his
five hits he's back in the cage this is
the guy that's always yelling at the
scorekeeper you know this is the guy who
plays on more than one team and is going
up and down the bench going damn damn
same thing happened Tuesday night on my
other team of course the guy doesn't
play on Sundays because he needs to rest
up for the other six games he plays but
he's got a routine that he sticks to on
his off day look and don't send me your
email softball guy cuz I know how this
goes if you're sending me an email right
now to say that I'm a jackass and you're
demanding to know what I do on the
weekend then you're that guy if you
think that what I just did is anything
other than hilarious you are angry young
guy angry young softball guy if you come
home after a tough loss and you tell
either your wife or your girlfriend to
shut up then you're that guy - hi honey
how was the game you know we just shut
up excuse me
what'd you just say I said we lost a
one-run game to the gladiators that we
were an out away from winning would you
shut up and that's the only angry young
guy I just covered that's not at all a
softball guy if you kept a softball loss
with you more than one second after
heading to the dugout you're that guy if
you're out there for any other reason
but to run around a little bit
hang out with the fellas and pound a few
beers you're that guy and that doesn't
even cover that guy that's just angry
young guy or team dork team manager who
doesn't even play that guy is the guy
hates his wife
hates his kids hates his job hates his
life and he is gonna go out there and
get wasted and mash he's just out there
to get drunk to him it's just an outdoor
bar
he just wants get out the house he's
sick of looking at his wife he's sick of
looking at his kids he hates his boss he
hates his job he doesn't wanna think
about anything other than mashing and
pounding I'm okay with that guy I felt
like that guy compared to the first guy
I love that guy
I like the guy who hates his wife and
his kids and his boss and his life bike
in Paris and I love that guy by
comparison that guy's my best friend by
comparison I want to hang out with that
guy and I hope it rubs off on me
compared to the other guy and then
softball guy number three is stat dork
manager dork the guy who keeps all the
numbers who keeps the book and doesn't
even play he created the team website
which he updates during the game from
his tree oh that guy's almost as bad as
angry young guy but not quite if your
back cost more than 250 bucks you're
that guy if you won't let anybody else
on the team use your bat you're that guy
if your monthly grocery allowance is 200
bucks but you've got more than 5 grand
in softball gear you're that guy if you
hate me in this show now because of this
rant you're that guy family the family
of six is eating Top Ramen again tonight
but but did you see this new TPX bat
that I picked up got it online it's a
minus 10 and it was only 750 bucks honey
the kids are really tired of Top Ramen
yeah well tell him to put some that
artificial sweetener on it that it comes
with and come out to the yard and see me
swing my new bat yeah but has how many
shoes he's outgrown them they've got
holes in the soles yeah well he can
touch my bat I'm hitting 700 what more
do you people want what the hell is
wrong with this family
dad's hitting 700 what do you want prime
rib every night get in the car get there
early daddy's mashing