Softball Guy

Stolen transcript from Jim Rome's rant about "Softball Guy." I will probably get around to editing it for punctuation and such. Maybe.

Transcript

We all know softball guy. A lot of you are softball guy. Let me very quickly take you through softball guy. There are a couple of different variations of softball guy. You know I'm talking about
the guys that are 35 37 early 40s late 20s they're out there still hacking and that's fine, but I'm not talking about everybody who plays softball.

I'm talking about softball guy.

Make the distinction. Some of my best friends play softball. It's fine. I'm talking about softball guy. Not softball player. It's mostly isolated too and again there are a few different forms. Three come to mind:

There's angry young guy, there is fat guy, and then there's stat dork.

Most of this focus is on angry young guy. Now you know angry young guy softball player knows softball guy who typically is angry young guy. Angry young guy is the guy who's out there playing like it's Game seven of the World Series every single game. And you know why he's out there playing like it's Game seven of the World Series because he really believes that if his high school coach didn't hate him he would be playing Game seven of the World Series.

Angry young guy is the guy who thinks that if his senior or if his coach in high school didn't hate him he would be Derek Jeter that the only reason Derek Jeter is Derek Jeter is because his high school coach didn't hate him. So angry young guys out there playing like it's Game seven and the only reason it's not is because his coach hated him never mind that I'm sure the coach had a
good reason to hate him.

He's a hateful guy look at him look at the way he's playing softball because coaches always get rid of guys that ultimately could make it to the big leagues. I mean how many high school coaches do you know that look at a guy and say you know what that guy's the best player in the history of this school but I hate him, let's cut him.

That's a five-tool kid. That's the first-round draft pick. That's the best kid ever to come through here. I hate him. They normally they like those guys you know but angry young guy. Not only is he the guy who really thinks that he would be in the big leagues if not for that.

He's the guy who's out there with his $500 bat. He's got like the nicest gear. Not only the 500 dollar bat but he's in the on-deck circle with the donut taking his hacks trying to time the pitcher. All right you know he's in there in the on-deck circle, trying to time the pitcher because you want to take your hacks and try to time a guy who's throwing the ball about 18 miles an hour. You know so then the other guys come back to the bench and he's like chatting him up like "Yo what's he got?" "What's he got?" "What's he got?"

He's got that 18 mile an hour blooper that he's throwing all of us. That's what he's got.

"Hey I can't really pick up the spin on that. What's he got?"

So angry young guys out there with a $500 bat trying to time the pitch from the on-deck circle and
he's chatting everybody up asking his teammates what the guy's got.

Of course he's got the full gear the stirrups everything. Eye black, wristbands, stirrups, metal spikes, five hundred dollar bat. It's got the whole thing working. Sunglasses at night and this is the guy that always goes hard into second base to break up double plays. In softball this is the guy
that's desperately trying to get his team an extra out whenever he can because he quote plays the game the right way and he hates teammates that don't. He hates it when guys around him don't play the game the right way.

Never mind the shortstop from the other team who's 37 who's out there like everybody else to have a few pops is now at the emergency room because this guy had to play the game the right way. With a
fractured orbital bone. This is the guy. Angry young guy who's arguing with the umpire, who wants to fight the other team if he loses, who uses profanity in front of kids, who's constantly on his teammates to work the count.

"Worth the count, work the count, we're down by one run late be patient don't be afraid to hit
with two strikes. Take a strike. Work the count."

This is the same guy who thinks that a walk is as good as a base hit but it's not because it's softball.

You know the guy.

Look if you see more than two pitches and softball you're out there for all the wrong reasons. This is the guy that when he's playing on a co-ed team yells at a female teammate for missing the cutoff man. This is a guy who yells at his teammates for not taking strikes. This is the guy who goes to the cage before the game not the bar to get a few pops but goes to the cage before the game to work on a swing and then after the game if he didn't get his five hits he's back in the cage. This is
the guy that's always yelling at the scorekeeper.

You know this is the guy who plays on more than one team and is going up and down the bench going "Damn damn, same thing happened Tuesday night on my other team."

Of course the guy doesn't play on Sundays because he needs to rest up for the other six games he plays but he's got a routine that he sticks to on his off day.

Look and don't send me your email softball guy cuz I know how this goes. If you're sending me an email right now to say that I'm a jackass and you're demanding to know what I do on the weekend then you're that guy. If you think that what I just did is anything other than hilarious you are angry young guy. Angry young softball guy.

If you come home after a tough loss and you tell either your wife or your girlfriend to shut up then you're that guy

"Hi honey how was the game?"

"You know what? just shut up."

"Excuse me? what'd you just say?"

"I said we lost a one-run game to the gladiators that we were an out away from winning would you
shut up?"

And that's the only angry young guy I just covered that's not at all. Softball guy if you kept a softball loss with you more than one second after heading to the dugout you're that guy. If
you're out there for any other reason but to run around a little bit hang out with the fellas and pound a few beers you're that guy.

And that doesn't even cover that guy that's just angry young guy or team dork team manager who
doesn't even play.

That guy is the guy hates his wife hates his kids hates his job hates his life and he is gonna go out there and get wasted and mash. He's just out there to get drunk. To him it's just an outdoor
bar. He just wants get out the house. He's sick of looking at his wife. He's sick of looking at his kids. He hates his boss. He hates his job. He doesn't wanna think about anything other than mashing and pounding.

I'm okay with that guy. I felt like that guy compared to the first guy...I love that guy.

I like the guy who hates his wife and his kids and his boss and his life and I love that guy by
comparison. That guy's my best friend by comparison. I want to hang out with that guy and I hope it rubs off on me compared to the other guy.

And then softball guy number three is stat dork. Manager dork. The guy who keeps all the numbers who keeps the book and doesn't even play. He created the team website which he updates during the game from his tree oh. That guy's almost as bad as angry young guy but not quite. If your bat cost more than 250 bucks you're that guy. If you won't let anybody else on the team use your bat you're that guy. If your monthly grocery allowance is 200 bucks but you've got more than 5 grand in softball gear, you're that guy.

If you hate me and this show now because of this rant you're that guy.

The family of six is eating Top Ramen again tonight but but did you see this new TPX bat
that I picked up got? Got it online. It's a minus 10 and it was only 750 bucks honey.

"The kids are really tired of Top Ramen."

"Yeah well tell him to put some that artificial sweetener on it that it comes with and come out to the yard and see me swing my new bat."

"How many shoes he's outgrown them they've got holes in the soles..."

"Yeah well he can touch my bat I'm hitting 700 what more do you people want? What the hell is
wrong with this family? Dad's hitting 700! What do you want prime rib every night? Get in the car, get there early daddy's mashing."